By Sam Cubbison
No family is perfect. Despite any differences, when the holidays roll around we all get together to celebrate… albeit by force. No matter your situation, we’ve got an ugly Christmas tee for that. Nobody is perfect—especially while wearing one of these.
The Drunk Uncle
Who is this guy? He’s certainly not your uncle. Everyone calls him that, but nobody can figure out who he’s actually related to. Anyway, he shows up every year in some ridiculously inappropriate sweater, hits on your cousin, eats an entire gingerbread house and then passes out on the sofa. What can you do? He’s family (supposedly).
The Quirky Aunt
Often labeled as the eccentric type, this gal rarely goes out, thus her dating history is quite bleak. Her only male companions are her two cats (Chevy Chase and Mr. Mittens, respectively). She has little to no Christmas cheer… or any cheer for that matter. But she cooks a mean ham, so the family keeps her around.
The Prissy Sister
When she presses her perfectly manicured nail on the doorbell, you know there’s bound to be trouble. With a whirlwind of Chanel No. 5, she drops all of her personal and physical baggage right at your threshold. With a new dye job and an even smaller dog in her arms, she obviously needs the perfect outfit to match.
The Single Player
The force is always with you when this guy is around. As a lover of all things star and war, he hasn’t found his Player 2 quite yet. When the holidays roll around, the only thing on his list is a “real life lightsaber that can be used to cut cheese.”
The Comic Junkie
Unlike the Single Player, the Comic Junkie has it all figured out. She is truly a wonder, balancing her career and personal life on each well defined bicep. Her plus one’s name is Clark, and let me tell you, when he whips those glasses off… swoon.
She’s a little nutty… and fruity, but the family still loves her. Despite constant protests, she continues to bring fruitcake to the gathering every year. Let’s just hope that she doesn’t get run over by a reindeer. Apparently, they love the smell of the sweet fruit loaf.
Christmas only comes once a year and this guy is determined to make it perfect, gosh darn it. He can barely hang a tree ornament without throwing a fit about how it balances. Each present is wrapped meticulously (with perfect 90 degree angle creases), only to be ripped to smithereens by morning. But he doesn’t do it for the appreciation… wait, what does he do it for then?
We’ve got you covered for all of your dysfunctional family holiday needs, minus the eggnog. This year, let things get real ugly in a real big way.